EUMHC 4s vs EUMHC 5s
23rd January 2016
DOD – Chazza T
MOM – Kenji Smith

With the opposition pumping out the sort of tunes from their dressing room which are only appropriate in places such as “The Big Cheese” on a Saturday night or Charlie Thomas’s “easy listening” playlist, the league leaders gradually assembled in the changing room across the hall. It was clear that our opposition for the afternoon, the EUMHC 5s were pumped up and fancied their chances as the underdogs in so many situations do, while we remained resolute and trusting in our abilities to once again dissipate the understudies.

The warm up was providing a feast for the eyes of all 4ssupporters in the grandstands (..or just Eugene) and team spirits were elevated for the prospects of the new year when Miles Wates crunched a shot top bins off a sideways moving, ankle high ball just before the umpires called the captains to start the match. (Note: Some passages of text may be exaggerated or constructed for the effect of poetic license)

The 4s, using the advantage in hierarchy of being the higher team were in home colours for the day but were aware of the effect this could have on the red 5s by increasing the effect of their underdog status further and possibly contribute to a rogue victory.

From the pushback it was clear to all that the 4s had serious intentions for the remainder of the season with some Barca-esque passing from Luke Perquinhos on the left supplying the relentless runs of Ruairi Gillespie who had a couple of good attempts to put us ahead coming exceptionally close when he got on the end of a ball that our captain, Oscar Allitt (a man used to relationships with people who rarely score) slid in from a short corner sadly beating the goal as well as the keeper.

The breakthrough came from Drew Kemp in the 24th minute when, like a salmon he leapt feet off the floor and struck a deflected ball about 15ft in the air with an overhead, double handed, Federer like smash. Its moves like this that make his shot conversion rate off the pitch absolutely incongruous but I have no doubt this memory will live long in his memory, as it deserved be and lead to great new things.

With a positive start and no need to overcome an initial uphill struggle as so often is the case with vigorous early shifts from underdogs the 4s settled into the match, playing their own game and confident in their ability. Even when things started to go slightly down hill, such as fluent passages of play from the 5s causing slight concern the pillars of experience in our resident 30 year old masters student from Belgium and Harry Goodlid stolidly intercepted any such threats.

Struan bellowed his commands from the goal-line in scenes reminiscent of Mel Gibson’s Braveheart speech which instilled assurance deep inside the rookies of Zi for his cobra like tackles, Sean for his penetrating strikes through the enemy lines and ordering Charlie back from his rogue appearances into the opposition “D”hoping for his debut goal in Dani Alves style runs down the flanks.

Down the right hand side Jamie Marchbank’s pace and strength acquired from starting body building at the tender age of 7 at the other end of the British Isles in Brighton provided a pass somewhere along the line for the assist of Kenji Smith’s swashbuckling goal verifying the captains decision to place his upfront. Kenji’s goal would not have been possible had he not spent 6 weeks at a Jiu Jitsu camp in a Japanese mountain retreat on his gap year, with his flexibility allowing him to sweetly strike a ball two feet behind him through the keepers legs with a slight draw.

2-0. Half time. Empowering speeches were delivered by Allitt and Kemp with the same panache as Churchill’s wartime speeches broadcast all over the United Kingdom from his War Rooms which some say provided the inspiration for the Hive decor. The recurring vibe was quite correctly that a two goal lead is very dangerous due to the sense of buffer and luxury that it allows the leading team and we came out of the dugout afterwards determined to start as we had 50 minutes earlier at the starting whistle.
A short corner was given to the 5s, probably due to some rare flare play from the 5s very own personal trainer, Jackie when he wasn’t starting debates following tackles on the right wing. Following a shot on target routinely repelled by our kilt wearing keeper the rebound was neatly turned in by the 5s injector who had done his job well and attacked the near post following injection. Whoever you are, pat yourself on the back.

Fraser MacLeod dispossessed 5s players of the ball and attacked their goal with similar sparkle that he exhibited in his days at Iowa State frat parties stripping jocks of their republican cheerleaders with stories of how Donald Trump’s 5-star hotel in Aberdeen is his ancestral family home. (the hotel unbelievably is actually called MacLeod house)

Club president Calum made notable contributions to the team’s performance with shifts back and forth which would exhaust mere mortals but it was his attempt at a flick leading a blinding Miles Wates run which reminded us that he was human after all despite his tally of appearances on the EUHC Gossip Guy’s page.

Thanks must be given to Struan, our resident keeper of the posts for playing through his illness. A real show of devotion to the team which we are all very grateful for. In other news it has become apparent that he purposefully odours his kit in an attempt to put off opposition players, whether this works in the same manner that Peter Schmeichel wore garish shirts in the late 1990s we shall have to wait and see, but like a fine wine this is one technique that is sure to mature with age.

A cracking performance on the pitch which was steadfastly continued into Malones four hours later with a strong turnout. Highlights from the evening session included Marchbank’s ear stud thing dazzling the Scottish Widows office party receptionists having dinner down below and our very own rendition of “Kieran, Kieran Lamb” which rumour has it is soon to be covered by James Rendell and Maxim Gabri’s band “Her” at a date to be released soon. The night did not end there as many 4s players were spotted cutting all sorts of dubious shapes at Great King St, Liquid Rooms and Transmission: Impossible for those on a pilgrimage there.

We look forward to the re-emergence of several senior players in weeks to come to ensure our assault on the league and yet another promotion continues. Who needs Watling anyway.